This has been quite the year of transitions.
What started out as a search for community led me to a discerning process, tears, joy, packing up my home and traveling across town to start a new adventure. I have felt more emotions than I thought one could feel within a season.
While I am currently living in a season of learning and adjustment, I have temporarily lost my ability to articulate my thoughts and put them to paper.
I’ve been wrestling with something I felt in worship a few weeks ago. I had a chance to go to Outcry Tour in Jacksonville and it was incredible. But one of the best parts was hearing something I felt was spoken over me.
There’s a song that we have become quite used to, and if I dare say, maybe even numb to in the world of worship. If you haven’t sang it at church, maybe you’ve sang it in your car or prayed the prayer or connected to it in some way.
When they started to play it, my heart hardened a little. The most cynical parts of me had a flash of images of maps with pretty typography with the lyrics so perfectly placed. I thought about all of the times we posted the words as we packed up and traveled on short and long term trips out of the country. Because, you know, without borders.
Do you know it?
You know, Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders? Let me walk upon the waters? Wherever you would call me?
I tense up even as I write the words.
That prayer, you guys. It’s a tough one. How many times have I sang it without the slightest understanding of what I was even saying? Maybe I just knew I wasn’t called to live in a foreign country and so I felt safe singing it. Maybe I didn’t think about it at all. Or maybe I was just thinking about nailing the harmonies.
The truth is, I thought borders only meant within the U.S.
But that’s not it at all. State boarders. City boarders. Neighborhood boarders. Sometimes our borders are so much closer than we know or realize. You don’t have to go far to feel the challenge of trusting without borders.
If a year ago you would have told me that I would not be living in the same house doing the same thing I have done for the last five years, I would have changed the subject because I fear change. Because change involves trust and it means I’m not in control of the future.
The reality is, God calling me across town was just as big of a jump for me as it would have for me to go to a developing country for a week or move to another city. Because change is change and it involves trust, no matter where you go.
When God calls us to something new and different, it involves a level of trust that we don’t always experience in day to day Christianity. I’ve had to learn to listen to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit and trust that I will be guided well.
There is so much good we will miss if we don’t engage in the process. We are flooded with peace when we learn to trust and we are indeed made stronger.
He is teaching me to trust and stretching my understanding of borders. My prayer is that I will no longer be numb when I sing the words, feel as though it’s overplayed, or only try to make it sound pretty. I will sing it like the prayer that it is meant to be.